The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
