we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
