I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
