I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this just has baby written all over it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
