I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
