I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
