I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize