I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
