Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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