I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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