I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They have beer where we have blood.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize