Pappa wants mamma naked
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
