I'm lost and stupid without you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
