I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
