You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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