Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
