areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
