My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
