you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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