He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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