Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
