i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
