my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
