He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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