i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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