I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
