dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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