I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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