a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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