I wish I only lived at night.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
