some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
