apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
