our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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