I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
