I need to stop coming to work sober
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
