I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
