my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
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