Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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