Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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