ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
