So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Are my feet made of real feet?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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