im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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