So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Holy shit dude........stairs
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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