i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
