I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
