How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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