dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
