Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
