he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
