I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
