Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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