You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
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