omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize