There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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