i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
