Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
