Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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