At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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