george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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