i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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