Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The ass gains better be worth it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
