im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
