Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
